RC's Rink Rants Vol 3

Why am I awake this early on a Sunday? Well, mostly because I'm hung over and can't sleep. And since I haven't posted anything in a while, I thought I should at least get a rant up before my friends think I forgot about this blog.

The rink has actually been quite pleasant lately. I bought an mp3 player, so I've been able to drown out most of the crap on the rink's mix CDs or the local radio stations. Although I do still hear a few things. Can someone, ANYONE, tell me why the Black Eyed Peas have a career? "Imma Be" is one of the most mindless pieces of drek I've ever had the displeasure of hearing. (I'll deal with this topic in my next post. I have a rant/random thoughts post brewing in my mind.)

So, by and large, the aural assaults of the outside world are dealt with, so all I have to put up with are the visual assaults -- children, fat people, and hotties with tools.

And the couple I saw yesterday had one of the most lopsided cutie-to-dipshit ratio disparities I've ever seen. Not that the girl was completely smoking hot or anything, just very cute and wearing hockey skates (that's a bonus point for accessorizing) and doing pretty well on them. No, the disparity was pretty much all on the idiot she was with.

First of all, I'd put money down that this guy had at least 10 to 15 years on her. Plus his face looked like the scene in Army of Darkness where Ash gets his face stretched out by having to fight his way out of the fake Necronomicon. (Not quite the John Kerry look, but when Ash fixes his face slightly.)

He was dressed like an utter tool as well. He was wearing a windowpane dress shirt. TUCKED IN. Dark blue jeans that probably had a crease that David Brooks would love. And thick heavy gloves.

Plus the dude was a terrible skater that had no power whatsoever. Sometimes I try to time my skating motions to the beat of whatever song I'm listening to, and I'll rest and glide with easy strokes when something slower and mellower comes on. I was LAPPING this clown while listening to the trippy central part of Breadfan (starts at about 2:58) and the Black Label Society's Crazy or High. Dude was too timid to fucking drive his legs and get his ass around with any sort of speed or power.

And worst of all, this guy had pretty much ZERO stamina. He'd do two laps with his weak-ass motions then head for the bench and sit down. Then, when the cutie noticed him gone, SHE'D head for the bench and sit with him -- meaning I couldn't stare at her ass out on the ice.

HOW DOES A DUDE WHO OWNS HIS OWN SKATES HAVE NEITHER STAMINA NOR SKILL? I think the answer is clear -- he's an old poseur shitbag trying to demonstrate his youth for a younger girl way out of his league.

Honey, you deserve better. You saw me skate: two straight hours of me working with short breaks only for hydration. That's what I'm like in bed, too. Get the jerkoff to buy you an SUV and an XBox360 then bring them over to my place and I'll give you the unrelenting sexual pounding that he can't give you that you know your body is craving. Then you can make me spaghetti and meatballs while I play Mass Effect 2.

PS I don't like mushrooms, so don't get a sauce that has them in it.